6/6/06: Happy... uh... Antichrist Day?

Today is 6/6/06, which, if you ignore the zero, bears a passing resemblance to the Mark of the Beast... or does it? According the the Religious Studies department at MTV.com, the actual number of the beast has been downgraded to 616. And many Famous Theologians agree. Which means all those satanic albums and movies missed their release date. Looks like the apocalypse was scheduled for last Thursday and someone forgot to give Lucifer the memo. Better luck in 1,000 years, O Lord of the Flies! And all you Christians currently engaged in 666 prayer marathons? Well I bet you feel pretty stupid. (Okay, you should feel stupid anyway. Have you ever actually read the Bible? There is some ridiculous shit in there. It's probably not all true.)

The arduous research that went into this post revealed something about the Interwebs: there are a ton of fucking nutjobs out there with computers, modems, and oodles of free time. I'm looking at you, 666 Watch. I mean, what sane person goes into "Mark of the Beast Studies?" I can understand the millions of porn sites out there. I mean, I get porn because, you know, it has all the nudity and sex. But why are there literally thousands upon thousands of sites devoted to serious discussion of the antichrist? And you should see some of the candidates they've come up with! George Dubya (along with most of his cabinet appointees) is far and away the leading vote-getter, which makes perfect sense, but you'd be surprised who else might be the instrument of The End of Days. Celine Dion is a popular and understandable choice. Bono's name comes up a lot, too. Some right-wing asshat pegged Barack Obama, which just made me want to vote for the guy even more. Marilyn Manson keeps insisting he's our man, but we all know he's just a harmless theater nerd from Florida. If there really is an Antichrist (and there isn't, because again, Christianity differs from, say, Greek mythology or purple-unicorn worship in exactly ZERO substantive ways), I have a few likely suspects:

1. James Blunt
2. Carrot Top
3. the entire San Antonio Spurs starting lineup
4. Dan Brown
5. Oprah Winfrey
6. Barney the Purple Dinosaur
7. Tony Danza
8. Cobra Commander
9. Donald Trump
10. Jesus H. Christ (Think about it. It's always the last person you expect.)

Now I know you're thinking to yourself, "How will I know the apocalypse (also known as armageddon, ragnarok, the quickening, judgment day, Satan's Superbowl, etc.) has finally arrived?" Fair question. It should look something like this:



...or possibly this:



For more on the antichrist, visit your local library. You could also go see The Omen, which opens today at a theater near you, or rent any Kirk Cameron movie made since 2000 (especially Growing Pains: Return of the Seavers).